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\\n\",\"type\":\"unstyled\",\"depth\":0,\"inlineStyleRanges\":[],\"entityRanges\":[],\"data\":{}},{\"key\":\"amhd\",\"text\":\"\",\"type\":\"unstyled\",\"depth\":0,\"inlineStyleRanges\":[],\"entityRanges\":[],\"data\":{}},{\"key\":\"8krem\",\"text\":\"Charlie McDermott 0:02 \\nWelcome to the Mandela podcast where we help you feel your best body, mind and soul. Hey, there is Charlie McDermott co host of the show back with Bri Bri Jaworski, how you doing?\\n\\nBri Jaworski MA, LMHC, QS 0:15 \\nDoing? Good. Just want to apologize to everybody. We are here in Florida. So we were hit by Hurricane Ian so we're trying to pick up the pieces. I know it's been about a month since we recorded last. So thanks for sticking with us. And we are back on track I think right, Charlie,\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 0:29 \\nwe are back in good news hurricane season is almost over so we should be safe for at least another year.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 0:36 \\nYes. And how dare it come during our whole hi, hi Holi season of Halloween, which I love. Usually the most beautiful month of the year. I always tell everybody that knows me knows like October is my favorite month, normally. And it's usually beautiful weather. It's getting a little bit cooler, but it's still nice and sunny. And this one just yeah, totally, totally kind of ruined that for me. So\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 1:01 \\nruined all the fun.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 1:04 \\nI really did. Here we go, we're going to answer some more of your relationship questions today.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 1:10 \\nGot a few for you here to say the least. So let's start with the first. So this writer says My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year we could go he dropped on me that he was are thinking about moving to a city located 500 miles away from here in October. He hasn't mentioned anything like that before, apparently, because he didn't want to make me worry. And I'm very hurt by this. Despite that he is constantly asking me for advice on the matter without really talking about a relationship or my feelings into consideration. This is very out of character for him. And I'm afraid of him leaving. But I also don't want to hold him back. How do I go about this conflict of interest on my part, I want only the best for him. But I can't help myself with my egotistical feelings.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 2:01 \\nWell, first off, I want to say that it's not egotistical to not want your boyfriend to move 500 miles away. So just put that out there first of all, granted, I'm sure I don't have all the information, but it kind of seems like he didn't really ask you to go with him. That's kind of the feeling I'm getting from the question. That well, you're getting Charlie,\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 2:24 \\nthat kind of like, Yeah, well, why? Where's the invitation? What? Yeah.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 2:29 \\nAll right. So we're gonna go into the assumption that he did not invite you to come with him, because you didn't explicitly say that. So I guess I have to assume that he did not. It sounds like he's kind of prioritizing his career over the relationship, which is not inherently a bad thing. But it is not ideal. If the two of you were not on the same page about that, like if you were prioritizing your career, and he was prioritizing his career, you know, that would be different. But it sounds like you are prioritizing your relationship and the boyfriend is prioritizing his career. It just, you know, you end up on two different pages of two different totally different books. So in regards to him wanting to like, talk to you about these things, I would say just tell him, you're probably not the best person to get advice from because you're too emotionally involved with the outcome of the situation, which makes it difficult for you to be objective. And this is a perfect example of why people need therapy. Because we are not emotionally tied to the situations and therefore are able to be objective. So it sounds like he needs to bounce these ideas off of someone who is not directly going to be involved, you know, in that with the outcome of the situation. So sounds like he's making decisions for him. And so you kind of need to do the same. People in truly committed relationships would factor the relationship into a decision like this. So although, you know, from your end, it sounds like you're in a committed relationship, he may not be committed at the same level. So I would factor that into my decision to move forward with this relationship and decide whether a long distance kind of thing is even something that you would want or not a lot of people are fine with it. And some people are not at all. So do some inner inner work to see if that's something that you would even want to begin with. So\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 4:26 \\nyeah, boy, there's I guess human nature is just a want to hang on and that I mean, it again, so nice that you're doing this and to hear and objective voice of experience and and certainly your education. But yeah, these are, these are in some ways. It's obvious to you and I that the invitation wasn't there, but for someone who's involved in that it's emotional turmoil, right?\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 4:52 \\nAbsolutely. And maybe, I mean, I know I tend to be a little bit harsh on my answers of some of these things, but I feel like some people need someone To say, you know, where was that invitation? Like, I think sometimes we overlook those things on purpose as to avoid more emotional pain, you know. And so sometimes we need someone who's not involved, you know, not your mom that hates him already, or your friends that don't like him either, you know, but somebody unrelated to be like, if he really cared about the relationship and you and moving forward, why weren't you involved in, you know, the making of this decision? So\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 5:27 \\nyeah, yeah. Good one. Let's move on to number two. Yeah. My boyfriend doesn't like my job. I'm a model. And before we met, I used to travel and work all the time. He knew that when we met, we had been together for a year and a half. And in that time, I haven't traveled anywhere for work. Usually, when I travel for work, I have to stay for one to three months. We had many discussions about it. And he said, how that job will bring me nothing but good. How are I mean, let me rephrase that. We had many discussions about it. And he said how that job will bring me nothing but good. How he can't be in a long distance relationship for months, or longer, how you're already experienced all that, and it's pointless. But this job brought me lots of good things I've traveled and I've seen many countries met some people who are now my best friends, the money is also good. Since we started dating, and I haven't traveled and I have spent all my savings. I'm left with nothing. I never asked him for money, nor will I ever ask. He works to good jobs and still doesn't have enough sometimes. Sometimes when we're talking with friends, he says, Al if someone offered him a job abroad, he would take it instantly. And it just makes me feel, or makes me a bit angry. We were on a break for a month. And in that time, I got an offer to go and work in another country. I said yes. And I'm due to fly next week. In the meantime, we got back together, and I still haven't told him because I'm scared of his reaction. Keep in mind, I really love him. And he's very good to me. But I also need my own money for myself. And to help my mom any advice on how I should tell him and what.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 7:08 \\nOkay, so I think this brings up a really good point. Because it sounds like he kind of knew what he's getting himself into when he started the relationship with you, but also now wants you to change. So the important point being, you don't want to date the future version of someone, you want to date the person who they are right now. So like, you know, he knew that she was a model, he if he wanted to date, a stay at home, whatever, girlfriend, whatever hope in hopes that that was who she was going to be in the future. That's not a really good way to enter into relationship, you want to enter into a relationship with the person that they are right now. And if you're okay with being with the person that they are right now, and it sounds like he definitely knew her job, her line of work or career and knew all about it. And to be honest, it was probably part of the appeal in the beginning. And that's okay, that's okay to change your mind about things. But I think it's a little bit of a double standard. You him not wanting you to leave for work, but then saying that he would leave himself if given the opportunity. Yeah, so I think regardless of what his reaction is going to be, it's just important to be honest. Because ultimately, you need to be with somebody that supports you, like supports your dreams, your goals and things like that. And I think that's an important part of loving someone is wanting them to, you know, do the things that make them happy and light them up inside and the sounds like from your perspective, it sounds like a really good career. And so yeah, and I'm a broken record when it comes to this but I really do believe that when people break up it's usually for very good reason. And you know this back and forth like breakup and make up kind of thing. It just never I mean if you anyone I urge anyone if they know someone who is just like a living testament of the fact that like this works and you can break up a million times and then get back together and be happy like, Please I'd love to know I just I don't know anyone I've done it a million times it never worked out you know, it's just there's usually something fundamentally broken when you break up and you know, that thing typically does not get fixed before you try to get back together you just miss the person you missed the good times etc You know, and so the fact that they broke up and she took this job and now they're back together you know that's another warning sign to me so I would say do what you need to do separate from him that's my advice\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 9:39 \\nand the breaking up getting back together cycle just simply that what's what's that saying? It's not distance make the makes the heart fonder, but you know that that just just being separated but it from a from your point of view, are we banking on that individual to choose? change and that individual, you know, your partner, maybe changes for a short period of time, but eventually goes back to the old, comfortable or whomever, right? Yes.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 10:10 \\nComfortable, Charlie? Yeah, exactly. You know, and I think a little bit of time apart can cause people to redirect their focus from the negative stuff that led up to their breakup and focus more on the good times, and the happy things that they did together. And, you know, that feeling of lack, but I'm also a really big believer in that, like, if we don't make space for something or someone new, better, better suited for us that, you know, it won't have space to come into our lives. So I feel like, you know, being in that perpetual cycle of like, the breakup and makeup thing is just, basically, like, dedicating a space in your existence that cannot be filled with someone who is better suited for you. So, you know, if you're, if you're breaking up, there's probably reason.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 11:00 \\nVery good advice. As usual, let's move on.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 11:04 \\nI think the fact that I've been in a lot of like, my husband laughs about this, he's like, you really had to kiss a lot of frogs before me, huh? And I'm like, Yeah, I mean, like, I am not holier than thou in any way. I happen to be in a really amazing loving marriage now, but I've been in a lot of really crappy relationships in the past too. So you know, I'm coming from a place of clinical knowledge, but also like experiential knowledge in that regard, too.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 11:32 \\nAll right, number three, I'm starting to hate my best friend. And it's for such a petty reason. She literally just keeps sending horrible photos of me to people, photos, where I feel insecure, and especially to the boy like, I've asked her to stop and told her that just makes me feel so insecure. And makes my facial dysmorphia worse. And she just leaves, leaves me on, read and sends more. And I'm actually crying right now. And I know I'm so petty, but it's really making me hate the way I look at my skin. And I just, just everything and I don't know what to do. Please help.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 12:10 \\nOh, okay. First of all, I don't think this is petty. I think that I mean, obviously, if you're the one who sent this question, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like this person is probably really young.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 12:24 \\nFrom the grammar, I would say, but yeah, yeah.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 12:27 \\nLike, this is not I mean, point blank, like this is not a friend, like a friend doesn't do things purposely to and that you've brought to their attention, make you feel insecure, like it brings out you know, different issues, and facial dysmorphia, or whatever it is a friend doesn't deliberately do things to hurt you over and over and over. I think as we get older, too, we our tolerance for like, bullshit gets a lot lower. And so like, we just wouldn't have a person than like in our life like this little and consider them to be our best friend, we would be like, That's my No buddy that's outside of my way outside of my circle. The fact that you're even thinking that you're being petty about this leads me to believe that that's probably something that the other person has said. And it's just, I mean, I guess the short answer to this is, this person was not a friend. So I would reevaluate that relationship and move on and find some better friends.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 13:27 \\nWhat do you what do you think, fundamentally, you know, is that a confidence thing? Do you think, you know, if, if I have a friend that continues to just do do things like that, using that example? Why do we tend to hang on?\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 13:45 \\nI think, a lot of different reasons, I think people again, like get very nostalgic for good times memories, or they fear sort of like that abandonment, whether it be you know, initiated by them or the other person. And a lot of people just don't realize that they have a lot better options out there. You know, it's like, especially because I think this person, they at least sound like they're young. Who knows, maybe this person, that's the only kind of friendship they've ever had. So like, their range of experience, and like, what they're drawing from as far as, like, what makes a friendship might be very, very shallow in that, like, all their friendships may have been similar to this, you know, and, and so I think that's another thing that like we gain with age is just the knowledge of experience that like there are all different types of people and there are people that are much better suited for us and there, you know, are a lot of boundaries that we need to put in place for certain people a lot of times and I think boundaries are a really good way to kind of weed out I almost like profiling for people because when you set boundaries and people don't adhere to your boundaries, it's like a red flag, but this is like a toxic person that you don't want in your life. So sometimes that Think boundaries can be almost like a little test that you can do with people. And it sounds like she's tried to set boundaries with this person and they've just blatantly disregarded her. So, you know, yeah, you just, you just want good people, you know, and they say like, you're the combination of the five closest people to you. Like, that's true. We don't want this girl now, you know? Quality people, we can only pick five, we want high quality people, this girl is not one of them. So\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 15:28 \\nthat's great. All right. Number four, we were seeing each other for about two months. He told me this last weekend, he wanted to stop I found out today that I'm pregnant, even though we were using birth control. I have an appointment next week with my doctor for an abortion. But should I even bother with telling him? Or would that be messed up?\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 15:48 \\nOh, boy. Okay, so, um, I guess again, just being kind of really blunt about it, I would say don't tell him. If you're going to keep the baby. That's a totally different conversation. But he broke things off with you, you're not going to keep the baby, I feel like all this will create is like a trauma bond between the two of you. Just for anybody listening, a trauma bond is created between two people when there's like a negative and a negative occurrence or a cycle of things that happen and it just literally bonds them, but like in the worst way possible. So obviously, things didn't work out with you guys. You're not meant to be together you. You don't want to have a child with this person. So like, why tie yourself to this person unnecessarily? So that's a really sensitive question and sensitive subject, but I would just, I mean, the short answer being No, I wouldn't tell them.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 16:43 \\nYeah. Yeah. Good, good, good. Number five, my girlfriend of five months, and I have a mutual friend who she's closer to than I am. When we hang out as a friend group, I feel like all she does is interact and laugh with him and stared deep into his eyes. Like, I'm not even there, which is fine. They're close friends. But even when the two of us hang out alone, his name gets brought up multiple times talking about what he did that day and who he's talking to, etc. My anxiety has me thinking that they're secretly into each other. And I'm just the wall between them. I realized at the end of the day, I'm just another jealous boyfriend. But I can't change my outlook on the situation. And I don't want my bottled up feelings to ruin this relationship. Any advice or wisdom?\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 17:31 \\nSo I think we, a lot of times talk about intuition being something associated with women. But in this case, I would say trust your intuition. Like, it doesn't sound like you're being a jealous boyfriend. It does kind of sound like Something's fishy here. And so yeah, I mean, I would definitely have a conversation with her, just let her know that you're feeling uncomfortable. You know, like, We don't ever want to be possessive or controlling or things like that. But just letting her know that you feel uncomfortable and letting her know why. And just see if the behavior changes, if the behavior doesn't change, I just feel like this is probably not a person that's well suited again, for you to be in a relationship with because there's probably somebody out there that wouldn't even notice those things she's doing and would not be bothered in the least bit by it. But that's unfortunately doesn't sound like it's you. So, you know, find somebody that's better suited for you if she's not willing to change. You know, if there is nothing between this other person, it really should be not difficult for her to change the small little things, you know, and if it is then you know, ding ding, maybe your intuition knows, right. But trust your intuition, trust your gut, seems like something's off or probably is see if she's willing to change if not move on.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 18:44 \\nLove it direct, right to the heart of the matter. Hi, me and my boyfriend are both 20. And a very happy together. But there's one issue he really wants kids since he has a huge family siblings of six. Meanwhile, I don't want kids I've tried telling him that I don't want kids, but he just says I'll be there to help you. I love him very much. And I don't want to break up and I'm scared. This will lead to the end of the relationship. I just don't ever want to be a mother. Some people are born to be a mother and some aren't. I can barely look after myself. Even if I was even if I was to lie and say I don't want to be a mother until 30 due to the fact that we're so young. It doesn't solve the issue. I just don't know what to do any advice.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 19:32 \\nOkay, so I'm gonna say this love the people in the back. This is really important. Do not have kids with someone who does not want to have kids or don't have kids if you don't want to just because the person you're with wants them like this is very important. It's possible for two people to be compatible in a lot of ways and it could be every way except this one but this one is a deal breaker. And the kids will end up suffering. I mean, that's the bottom line. Like, if you have if you don't want to be a mother and you being a mom is hard being a parent is hard. It's a lot of work. If you I'm not to say you may not change your mind at some point, but the fact that he's just like, I'll be there with you like, no, like, I mean, this is a little bit of a personal story. But that is exactly what happened with my parents. My My mom was like, I was born to be a mother, I can't wait to have kids. And my dad was like, I don't want kids. And my mom was like, Well, I have to move on with my life then because I want to have kids and I want to have them relatively soon. And my dad was like, I love you more than anything. I don't want to lose you all fine, I'll have kids. And shocker. He's been missing. I know, what was me daddy issues, but like he's been missing my entire life. But like, Hello. He said from the beginning, he didn't want to have were there. Yes, exactly. So when somebody tells you something like that, believe them, you know. So the fact that you know that and not everybody at 20 years old knows that. But it sounds like this person knows pretty strongly that they do not want to be a mom, like, go with that. It's okay. I mean, if you don't want to be a mom, like, being a mom doesn't define you as a human being like, it definitely adds to my life. It adds a whole nother dimension to my life, and I'm happy but I didn't have kids until later on in life. And I'm glad that I did that. Because there were a lot of other things I wanted to do with my time in my life. And I I felt very similarly when I was younger, like I can barely take care of myself. I'm super selfish. I don't want to have kids. And you know, if you know that for a fact, like, you really need to stick with that because it's just really the the person or people that will end up suffering the most will be the kids. So stick to your guns on that one.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 21:48 \\nRight. Here's a newly married I'm newly married to my husband. He has two great sons, 13 and 15. My question is a delicate one around how to act and dress around our new home when the boys are around. My husband was told, or has told me I shouldn't change anything about my style or appearance. It's all fine, but his ex wife saw vacation photos of us and made a snide comment to a mutual friend that I was prancing around in a bikini in front of the boys and she was evidently annoyed by this. She made similar comments about shirts I've worn at home. I don't think I'm over the top with this kind of clothing but she is much more conservative type. So I'm trying to navigate these new waters. My husband has been very supportive and thinks I don't need to change anything. I've noticed the boys noticing me when I wear certain things. And he has picked up on this as well. But he said that's natural with a new woman in the house I'm assuming hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 22:53 \\npubescent boys are just that and like there's no person that convinced convinced me that you walking around in a bikini on vacation. Like they have seen much more than that. Like that's probably nothing compared to what they've seen in real life. So like, I don't know, it sounds like the mom of the boys is being a little petty like but at the end of the day, like that's not the person you marry. That's not the person you're in a relationship with. It sounds like your husband thinks you're doing nothing wrong as long as you're acting appropriate in front of the boys like I wouldn't go changing yourself like he fell in love with the person you are and you know you fell in love with the person he is and you know it's not a time now that you're married to go and change a bunch of stuff and you know, I think it's in the moms the the bio moms best interest to get along with the step mom so that they can co parent in harmony and you know, but the reality of that is that it doesn't always happen and you know, women can be catty all people can be catty, all different various genders can be catty, it's you know, it's part of the human existence, but I would say just do your best on your end and good luck. Goes living with two teenage boys sounds terrible to me. But\\n\\nBri Jaworski MA, LMHC, QS 24:12 \\nto just jump in with two teenage it sounds\\n\\nterrible, smelly. All sorts of\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 24:19 \\nit's no warm up period. They're\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 24:22 \\nlike Best of luck to you like brave woman.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 24:26 \\nAll right, well, you're doing great. The final here okay. So me and my now fiance had been together for seven years in the beginning I would cook for him because I wasn't working and had time to do a lot of the house chores. But now I work and when I get home sometimes I just don't feel like cooking. When he calls it he's coming home he always asked what's for dinner. Today. I told him I didn't cook because we need to go grocery shopping etc. And I've been picking up around the house and his attitude totally changed. And you can tell he got upset the way that I used to see it It is that he doesn't pay for any of my personal stuff, nails, clothing, going out money, literally anything that I want to buy myself, I have to pay for it. And I do pay a lot of the times when we go out to eat, need some thoughts on this, because I've been working for four years now. And it's nothing new to me. But this bothers me. I don't know what to do.\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 25:21 \\nThe cons of feminism. I think that women, we have really, really screwed ourselves here. When it comes to modern day feminism, I think the premise of feminism, you know, like, equal rights, equal pay, that kind of thing is rooted in goodness, and I can get behind that. But this whole, like, we work full time, and then we go home, and we cook and we clean, and we take care of the kids and we do everything. Like you're one person, you know, we're all one person, I don't know how we got to this point where like, that's something that we wanted, like what, like, take me back to 1950, because I'm not all about that life. Like, I just think it's bogus. And so that needs to be a conversation, you know, you need to talk about the fact that like you're both working. So therefore, you need to both share the household responsibilities. Now, if he makes enough to where he can pay the bills, and give you spending money and get your nails done, and all the things that you want to do. And yeah, then cook clean, do all the things at home, you know, like relationships or partnerships. But for one person to expect the other person to be doing 90% of the work, you know, in the home and working as much as they are, I just feel like it's kind of an unfair deal. You know, and every relationship is different, like, that does work for certain people. And that's fine, if that works for you fine. But I just think in general, we've kind of pigeon holed ourselves into this place where like, we're expected to be super women. And like, do it all, like, you know, work and take care of the kids be their primary caregiver and clean and cook and do all these things like you will get burnt out. So I can I can tell by the tone of this question that they're already starting to get burnout or at minimum annoyed. So yeah, this needs to be a conversation. Because, you know, if you both work, you both need to do stuff at the house, you know, you both need to chip in. And from the tone of the question, again, it sounds like there was a little bit of like annoyance on his side, you know, like, What do you mean, you're not, you know, and so he obviously has some preconceived notions about what your relationship looks like, too. So you both need to like figure out and, you know, maybe it looks different from how it looked in the beginning, because your circumstances have changed, and that's fine. And if it's not fine with you, then, you know, move on. My favorite thing move on. Yeah. But you know, sometimes things change over time. They they adapt and change and shift as as people change. And sometimes relationships that were once really good are no longer, you know, well suited for each other at minimum. So, no, I just I'm not in the business of making people like suck it up and be miserable. That's just really not for that right. Yeah, it's just not my thing. You know, I want people to be happy. I just feel like there's a lot of joy to be had in the world. And you know, but you have to do your part in order to like make that your reality.\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 28:17 \\nYeah. Oh, great. Well, my goodness, Brady, we went through all eight scenarios. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah. So we made it through episode number one a posting hopefully something that we'll look back and and forget like when Oh, that's right. There was a hurricane. Well, we cover so quickly, right?\\n\\nUnknown Speaker 28:43 \\nYes. Right. Exactly. blip on the radar. Hope everyone out there is doing well. And for anybody that's here in southwest Florida or anywhere in Florida that got hit or South Carolina, different places. I got hit by this hurricane. I hope you all are doing well and kind of picking up the pieces the way that we are here,\\n\\nCharlie McDermott 29:00 \\nWell, Bri until our next episode, you keep doing what you're doing there, and I'll see you real soon. All right. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks for listening to the Mandela podcast to learn more about Mandela Counseling and Health Coaching. Go to www dot Mandela hyphen counseling.com. That's www dot Mandela, ma n d a l a hyphen, counseling COUNSC l i n g.com or call 239-360-1983 or visit us on Facebook or Instagram\",\"type\":\"unstyled\",\"depth\":0,\"inlineStyleRanges\":[],\"entityRanges\":[],\"data\":{}}],\"entityMap\":{\"0\":{\"type\":\"IMAGE\",\"mutability\":\"IMMUTABLE\",\"data\":{\"src\":\"//img1.wsimg.com/isteam/ip/284efb9d-9c26-4553-9515-3d0fe08e3a17/7D4ABEC3-A963-400F-89C3-D5738D0A455F.jpeg\",\"alt\":\" Charlie McDermott 0:02 Welcome to the Mandela podcast where we help you feel your best body, mind and soul. Hey, there is Charlie McDermott co host of the show back with Bri Bri Jaworski, how you doing? Bri Jaworski MA, LMHC, QS 0:15 Doing? Good. Just want to apologize to everybody. We are here in Florida. So we were hit by Hurricane Ian so we're trying to pick up the pieces. I know it's been about a month since we recorded last. So thanks for sticking with us. And we are back on track I think right, Charlie, Charlie McDermott 0:29 we are back in good news hurricane season is almost over so we should be safe for at least another year. Unknown Speaker 0:36 Yes. And how dare it come during our whole hi, hi Holi season of Halloween, which I love. Usually the most beautiful month of the year. I always tell everybody that knows me knows like October is my favorite month, normally. And it's usually beautiful weather. It's getting a little bit cooler, but it's still nice and sunny. And this one just yeah, totally, totally kind of ruined that for me. So Charlie McDermott 1:01 ruined all the fun. Unknown Speaker 1:04 I really did. Here we go, we're going to answer some more of your relationship questions today. Charlie McDermott 1:10 Got a few for you here to say the least. So let's start with the first. So this writer says My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year we could go he dropped on me that he was are thinking about moving to a city located 500 miles away from here in October. He hasn't mentioned anything like that before, apparently, because he didn't want to make me worry. And I'm very hurt by this. Despite that he is constantly asking me for advice on the matter without really talking about a relationship or my feelings into consideration. This is very out of character for him. And I'm afraid of him leaving. But I also don't want to hold him back. How do I go about this conflict of interest on my part, I want only the best for him. But I can't help myself with my egotistical feelings. Unknown Speaker 2:01 Well, first off, I want to say that it's not egotistical to not want your boyfriend to move 500 miles away. So just put that out there first of all, granted, I'm sure I don't have all the information, but it kind of seems like he didn't really ask you to go with him. That's kind of the feeling I'm getting from the question. That well, you're getting Charlie, Charlie McDermott 2:24 that kind of like, Yeah, well, why? Where's the invitation? What? Yeah. Unknown Speaker 2:29 All right. So we're gonna go into the assumption that he did not invite you to come with him, because you didn't explicitly say that. So I guess I have to assume that he did not. It sounds like he's kind of prioritizing his career over the relationship, which is not inherently a bad thing. But it is not ideal. If the two of you were not on the same page about that, like if you were prioritizing your career, and he was prioritizing his career, you know, that would be different. But it sounds like you are prioritizing your relationship and the boyfriend is prioritizing his career. It just, you know, you end up on two different pages of two different totally different books. So in regards to him wanting to like, talk to you about these things, I would say just tell him, you're probably not the best person to get advice from because you're too emotionally involved with the outcome of the situation, which makes it difficult for you to be objective. And this is a perfect example of why people need therapy. Because we are not emotionally tied to the situations and therefore are able to be objective. So it sounds like he needs to bounce these ideas off of someone who is not directly going to be involved, you know, in that with the outcome of the situation. So sounds like he's making decisions for him. And so you kind of need to do the same. People in truly committed relationships would factor the relationship into a decision like this. So although, you know, from your end, it sounds like you're in a committed relationship, he may not be committed at the same level. So I would factor that into my decision to move forward with this relationship and decide whether a long distance kind of thing is even something that you would want or not a lot of people are fine with it. And some people are not at all. So do some inner inner work to see if that's something that you would even want to begin with. So Charlie McDermott 4:26 yeah, boy, there's I guess human nature is just a want to hang on and that I mean, it again, so nice that you're doing this and to hear and objective voice of experience and and certainly your education. But yeah, these are, these are in some ways. It's obvious to you and I that the invitation wasn't there, but for someone who's involved in that it's emotional turmoil, right? Unknown Speaker 4:52 Absolutely. And maybe, I mean, I know I tend to be a little bit harsh on my answers of some of these things, but I feel like some people need someone To say, you know, where was that invitation? Like, I think sometimes we overlook those things on purpose as to avoid more emotional pain, you know. And so sometimes we need someone who's not involved, you know, not your mom that hates him already, or your friends that don't like him either, you know, but somebody unrelated to be like, if he really cared about the relationship and you and moving forward, why weren't you involved in, you know, the making of this decision? So Charlie McDermott 5:27 yeah, yeah. Good one. Let's move on to number two. Yeah. My boyfriend doesn't like my job. I'm a model. And before we met, I used to travel and work all the time. He knew that when we met, we had been together for a year and a half. And in that time, I haven't traveled anywhere for work. Usually, when I travel for work, I have to stay for one to three months. We had many discussions about it. And he said, how that job will bring me nothing but good. How are I mean, let me rephrase that. We had many discussions about it. And he said how that job will bring me nothing but good. How he can't be in a long distance relationship for months, or longer, how you're already experienced all that, and it's pointless. But this job brought me lots of good things I've traveled and I've seen many countries met some people who are now my best friends, the money is also good. Since we started dating, and I haven't traveled and I have spent all my savings. I'm left with nothing. I never asked him for money, nor will I ever ask. He works to good jobs and still doesn't have enough sometimes. Sometimes when we're talking with friends, he says, Al if someone offered him a job abroad, he would take it instantly. And it just makes me feel, or makes me a bit angry. We were on a break for a month. And in that time, I got an offer to go and work in another country. I said yes. And I'm due to fly next week. In the meantime, we got back together, and I still haven't told him because I'm scared of his reaction. Keep in mind, I really love him. And he's very good to me. But I also need my own money for myself. And to help my mom any advice on how I should tell him and what. Unknown Speaker 7:08 Okay, so I think this brings up a really good point. Because it sounds like he kind of knew what he's getting himself into when he started the relationship with you, but also now wants you to change. So the important point being, you don't want to date the future version of someone, you want to date the person who they are right now. So like, you know, he knew that she was a model, he if he wanted to date, a stay at home, whatever, girlfriend, whatever hope in hopes that that was who she was going to be in the future. That's not a really good way to enter into relationship, you want to enter into a relationship with the person that they are right now. And if you're okay with being with the person that they are right now, and it sounds like he definitely knew her job, her line of work or career and knew all about it. And to be honest, it was probably part of the appeal in the beginning. And that's okay, that's okay to change your mind about things. But I think it's a little bit of a double standard. You him not wanting you to leave for work, but then saying that he would leave himself if given the opportunity. Yeah, so I think regardless of what his reaction is going to be, it's just important to be honest. Because ultimately, you need to be with somebody that supports you, like supports your dreams, your goals and things like that. And I think that's an important part of loving someone is wanting them to, you know, do the things that make them happy and light them up inside and the sounds like from your perspective, it sounds like a really good career. And so yeah, and I'm a broken record when it comes to this but I really do believe that when people break up it's usually for very good reason. And you know this back and forth like breakup and make up kind of thing. It just never I mean if you anyone I urge anyone if they know someone who is just like a living testament of the fact that like this works and you can break up a million times and then get back together and be happy like, Please I'd love to know I just I don't know anyone I've done it a million times it never worked out you know, it's just there's usually something fundamentally broken when you break up and you know, that thing typically does not get fixed before you try to get back together you just miss the person you missed the good times etc You know, and so the fact that they broke up and she took this job and now they're back together you know that's another warning sign to me so I would say do what you need to do separate from him that's my advice Charlie McDermott 9:39 and the breaking up getting back together cycle just simply that what's what's that saying? It's not distance make the makes the heart fonder, but you know that that just just being separated but it from a from your point of view, are we banking on that individual to choose? change and that individual, you know, your partner, maybe changes for a short period of time, but eventually goes back to the old, comfortable or whomever, right? Yes. Unknown Speaker 10:10 Comfortable, Charlie? Yeah, exactly. You know, and I think a little bit of time apart can cause people to redirect their focus from the negative stuff that led up to their breakup and focus more on the good times, and the happy things that they did together. And, you know, that feeling of lack, but I'm also a really big believer in that, like, if we don't make space for something or someone new, better, better suited for us that, you know, it won't have space to come into our lives. So I feel like, you know, being in that perpetual cycle of like, the breakup and makeup thing is just, basically, like, dedicating a space in your existence that cannot be filled with someone who is better suited for you. So, you know, if you're, if you're breaking up, there's probably reason. Charlie McDermott 11:00 Very good advice. As usual, let's move on. Unknown Speaker 11:04 I think the fact that I've been in a lot of like, my husband laughs about this, he's like, you really had to kiss a lot of frogs before me, huh? And I'm like, Yeah, I mean, like, I am not holier than thou in any way. I happen to be in a really amazing loving marriage now, but I've been in a lot of really crappy relationships in the past too. So you know, I'm coming from a place of clinical knowledge, but also like experiential knowledge in that regard, too. Charlie McDermott 11:32 All right, number three, I'm starting to hate my best friend. And it's for such a petty reason. She literally just keeps sending horrible photos of me to people, photos, where I feel insecure, and especially to the boy like, I've asked her to stop and told her that just makes me feel so insecure. And makes my facial dysmorphia worse. And she just leaves, leaves me on, read and sends more. And I'm actually crying right now. And I know I'm so petty, but it's really making me hate the way I look at my skin. And I just, just everything and I don't know what to do. Please help. Unknown Speaker 12:10 Oh, okay. First of all, I don't think this is petty. I think that I mean, obviously, if you're the one who sent this question, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like this person is probably really young. Charlie McDermott 12:24 From the grammar, I would say, but yeah, yeah. Unknown Speaker 12:27 Like, this is not I mean, point blank, like this is not a friend, like a friend doesn't do things purposely to and that you've brought to their attention, make you feel insecure, like it brings out you know, different issues, and facial dysmorphia, or whatever it is a friend doesn't deliberately do things to hurt you over and over and over. I think as we get older, too, we our tolerance for like, bullshit gets a lot lower. And so like, we just wouldn't have a person than like in our life like this little and consider them to be our best friend, we would be like, That's my No buddy that's outside of my way outside of my circle. The fact that you're even thinking that you're being petty about this leads me to believe that that's probably something that the other person has said. And it's just, I mean, I guess the short answer to this is, this person was not a friend. So I would reevaluate that relationship and move on and find some better friends. Charlie McDermott 13:27 What do you what do you think, fundamentally, you know, is that a confidence thing? Do you think, you know, if, if I have a friend that continues to just do do things like that, using that example? Why do we tend to hang on? Unknown Speaker 13:45 I think, a lot of different reasons, I think people again, like get very nostalgic for good times memories, or they fear sort of like that abandonment, whether it be you know, initiated by them or the other person. And a lot of people just don't realize that they have a lot better options out there. You know, it's like, especially because I think this person, they at least sound like they're young. Who knows, maybe this person, that's the only kind of friendship they've ever had. So like, their range of experience, and like, what they're drawing from as far as, like, what makes a friendship might be very, very shallow in that, like, all their friendships may have been similar to this, you know, and, and so I think that's another thing that like we gain with age is just the knowledge of experience that like there are all different types of people and there are people that are much better suited for us and there, you know, are a lot of boundaries that we need to put in place for certain people a lot of times and I think boundaries are a really good way to kind of weed out I almost like profiling for people because when you set boundaries and people don't adhere to your boundaries, it's like a red flag, but this is like a toxic person that you don't want in your life. So sometimes that Think boundaries can be almost like a little test that you can do with people. And it sounds like she's tried to set boundaries with this person and they've just blatantly disregarded her. So, you know, yeah, you just, you just want good people, you know, and they say like, you're the combination of the five closest people to you. Like, that's true. We don't want this girl now, you know? Quality people, we can only pick five, we want high quality people, this girl is not one of them. So Charlie McDermott 15:28 that's great. All right. Number four, we were seeing each other for about two months. He told me this last weekend, he wanted to stop I found out today that I'm pregnant, even though we were using birth control. I have an appointment next week with my doctor for an abortion. But should I even bother with telling him? Or would that be messed up? Unknown Speaker 15:48 Oh, boy. Okay, so, um, I guess again, just being kind of really blunt about it, I would say don't tell him. If you're going to keep the baby. That's a totally different conversation. But he broke things off with you, you're not going to keep the baby, I feel like all this will create is like a trauma bond between the two of you. Just for anybody listening, a trauma bond is created between two people when there's like a negative and a negative occurrence or a cycle of things that happen and it just literally bonds them, but like in the worst way possible. So obviously, things didn't work out with you guys. You're not meant to be together you. You don't want to have a child with this person. So like, why tie yourself to this person unnecessarily? So that's a really sensitive question and sensitive subject, but I would just, I mean, the short answer being No, I wouldn't tell them. Charlie McDermott 16:43 Yeah. Yeah. Good, good, good. Number five, my girlfriend of five months, and I have a mutual friend who she's closer to than I am. When we hang out as a friend group, I feel like all she does is interact and laugh with him and stared deep into his eyes. Like, I'm not even there, which is fine. They're close friends. But even when the two of us hang out alone, his name gets brought up multiple times talking about what he did that day and who he's talking to, etc. My anxiety has me thinking that they're secretly into each other. And I'm just the wall between them. I realized at the end of the day, I'm just another jealous boyfriend. But I can't change my outlook on the situation. And I don't want my bottled up feelings to ruin this relationship. Any advice or wisdom? Unknown Speaker 17:31 So I think we, a lot of times talk about intuition being something associated with women. But in this case, I would say trust your intuition. Like, it doesn't sound like you're being a jealous boyfriend. It does kind of sound like Something's fishy here. And so yeah, I mean, I would definitely have a conversation with her, just let her know that you're feeling uncomfortable. You know, like, We don't ever want to be possessive or controlling or things like that. But just letting her know that you feel uncomfortable and letting her know why. And just see if the behavior changes, if the behavior doesn't change, I just feel like this is probably not a person that's well suited again, for you to be in a relationship with because there's probably somebody out there that wouldn't even notice those things she's doing and would not be bothered in the least bit by it. But that's unfortunately doesn't sound like it's you. So, you know, find somebody that's better suited for you if she's not willing to change. You know, if there is nothing between this other person, it really should be not difficult for her to change the small little things, you know, and if it is then you know, ding ding, maybe your intuition knows, right. But trust your intuition, trust your gut, seems like something's off or probably is see if she's willing to change if not move on. Charlie McDermott 18:44 Love it direct, right to the heart of the matter. Hi, me and my boyfriend are both 20. And a very happy together. But there's one issue he really wants kids since he has a huge family siblings of six. Meanwhile, I don't want kids I've tried telling him that I don't want kids, but he just says I'll be there to help you. I love him very much. And I don't want to break up and I'm scared. This will lead to the end of the relationship. I just don't ever want to be a mother. Some people are born to be a mother and some aren't. I can barely look after myself. Even if I was even if I was to lie and say I don't want to be a mother until 30 due to the fact that we're so young. It doesn't solve the issue. I just don't know what to do any advice. Unknown Speaker 19:32 Okay, so I'm gonna say this love the people in the back. This is really important. Do not have kids with someone who does not want to have kids or don't have kids if you don't want to just because the person you're with wants them like this is very important. It's possible for two people to be compatible in a lot of ways and it could be every way except this one but this one is a deal breaker. And the kids will end up suffering. I mean, that's the bottom line. Like, if you have if you don't want to be a mother and you being a mom is hard being a parent is hard. It's a lot of work. If you I'm not to say you may not change your mind at some point, but the fact that he's just like, I'll be there with you like, no, like, I mean, this is a little bit of a personal story. But that is exactly what happened with my parents. My My mom was like, I was born to be a mother, I can't wait to have kids. And my dad was like, I don't want kids. And my mom was like, Well, I have to move on with my life then because I want to have kids and I want to have them relatively soon. And my dad was like, I love you more than anything. I don't want to lose you all fine, I'll have kids. And shocker. He's been missing. I know, what was me daddy issues, but like he's been missing my entire life. But like, Hello. He said from the beginning, he didn't want to have were there. Yes, exactly. So when somebody tells you something like that, believe them, you know. So the fact that you know that and not everybody at 20 years old knows that. But it sounds like this person knows pretty strongly that they do not want to be a mom, like, go with that. It's okay. I mean, if you don't want to be a mom, like, being a mom doesn't define you as a human being like, it definitely adds to my life. It adds a whole nother dimension to my life, and I'm happy but I didn't have kids until later on in life. And I'm glad that I did that. Because there were a lot of other things I wanted to do with my time in my life. And I I felt very similarly when I was younger, like I can barely take care of myself. I'm super selfish. I don't want to have kids. And you know, if you know that for a fact, like, you really need to stick with that because it's just really the the person or people that will end up suffering the most will be the kids. So stick to your guns on that one. Charlie McDermott 21:48 Right. Here's a newly married I'm newly married to my husband. He has two great sons, 13 and 15. My question is a delicate one around how to act and dress around our new home when the boys are around. My husband was told, or has told me I shouldn't change anything about my style or appearance. It's all fine, but his ex wife saw vacation photos of us and made a snide comment to a mutual friend that I was prancing around in a bikini in front of the boys and she was evidently annoyed by this. She made similar comments about shirts I've worn at home. I don't think I'm over the top with this kind of clothing but she is much more conservative type. So I'm trying to navigate these new waters. My husband has been very supportive and thinks I don't need to change anything. I've noticed the boys noticing me when I wear certain things. And he has picked up on this as well. But he said that's natural with a new woman in the house I'm assuming hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long. Unknown Speaker 22:53 pubescent boys are just that and like there's no person that convinced convinced me that you walking around in a bikini on vacation. Like they have seen much more than that. Like that's probably nothing compared to what they've seen in real life. So like, I don't know, it sounds like the mom of the boys is being a little petty like but at the end of the day, like that's not the person you marry. That's not the person you're in a relationship with. It sounds like your husband thinks you're doing nothing wrong as long as you're acting appropriate in front of the boys like I wouldn't go changing yourself like he fell in love with the person you are and you know you fell in love with the person he is and you know it's not a time now that you're married to go and change a bunch of stuff and you know, I think it's in the moms the the bio moms best interest to get along with the step mom so that they can co parent in harmony and you know, but the reality of that is that it doesn't always happen and you know, women can be catty all people can be catty, all different various genders can be catty, it's you know, it's part of the human existence, but I would say just do your best on your end and good luck. Goes living with two teenage boys sounds terrible to me. But Bri Jaworski MA, LMHC, QS 24:12 to just jump in with two teenage it sounds terrible, smelly. All sorts of Charlie McDermott 24:19 it's no warm up period. They're Unknown Speaker 24:22 like Best of luck to you like brave woman. Charlie McDermott 24:26 All right, well, you're doing great. The final here okay. So me and my now fiance had been together for seven years in the beginning I would cook for him because I wasn't working and had time to do a lot of the house chores. But now I work and when I get home sometimes I just don't feel like cooking. When he calls it he's coming home he always asked what's for dinner. Today. I told him I didn't cook because we need to go grocery shopping etc. And I've been picking up around the house and his attitude totally changed. And you can tell he got upset the way that I used to see it It is that he doesn't pay for any of my personal stuff, nails, clothing, going out money, literally anything that I want to buy myself, I have to pay for it. And I do pay a lot of the times when we go out to eat, need some thoughts on this, because I've been working for four years now. And it's nothing new to me. But this bothers me. I don't know what to do. Unknown Speaker 25:21 The cons of feminism. I think that women, we have really, really screwed ourselves here. When it comes to modern day feminism, I think the premise of feminism, you know, like, equal rights, equal pay, that kind of thing is rooted in goodness, and I can get behind that. But this whole, like, we work full time, and then we go home, and we cook and we clean, and we take care of the kids and we do everything. Like you're one person, you know, we're all one person, I don't know how we got to this point where like, that's something that we wanted, like what, like, take me back to 1950, because I'm not all about that life. Like, I just think it's bogus. And so that needs to be a conversation, you know, you need to talk about the fact that like you're both working. So therefore, you need to both share the household responsibilities. Now, if he makes enough to where he can pay the bills, and give you spending money and get your nails done, and all the things that you want to do. And yeah, then cook clean, do all the things at home, you know, like relationships or partnerships. But for one person to expect the other person to be doing 90% of the work, you know, in the home and working as much as they are, I just feel like it's kind of an unfair deal. You know, and every relationship is different, like, that does work for certain people. And that's fine, if that works for you fine. But I just think in general, we've kind of pigeon holed ourselves into this place where like, we're expected to be super women. And like, do it all, like, you know, work and take care of the kids be their primary caregiver and clean and cook and do all these things like you will get burnt out. So I can I can tell by the tone of this question that they're already starting to get burnout or at minimum annoyed. So yeah, this needs to be a conversation. Because, you know, if you both work, you both need to do stuff at the house, you know, you both need to chip in. And from the tone of the question, again, it sounds like there was a little bit of like annoyance on his side, you know, like, What do you mean, you're not, you know, and so he obviously has some preconceived notions about what your relationship looks like, too. So you both need to like figure out and, you know, maybe it looks different from how it looked in the beginning, because your circumstances have changed, and that's fine. And if it's not fine with you, then, you know, move on. My favorite thing move on. Yeah. But you know, sometimes things change over time. They they adapt and change and shift as as people change. And sometimes relationships that were once really good are no longer, you know, well suited for each other at minimum. So, no, I just I'm not in the business of making people like suck it up and be miserable. That's just really not for that right. Yeah, it's just not my thing. You know, I want people to be happy. I just feel like there's a lot of joy to be had in the world. And you know, but you have to do your part in order to like make that your reality. Charlie McDermott 28:17 Yeah. Oh, great. Well, my goodness, Brady, we went through all eight scenarios. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah. So we made it through episode number one a posting hopefully something that we'll look back and and forget like when Oh, that's right. There was a hurricane. Well, we cover so quickly, right? Unknown Speaker 28:43 Yes. Right. Exactly. blip on the radar. Hope everyone out there is doing well. And for anybody that's here in southwest Florida or anywhere in Florida that got hit or South Carolina, different places. I got hit by this hurricane. I hope you all are doing well and kind of picking up the pieces the way that we are here, Charlie McDermott 29:00 Well, Bri until our next episode, you keep doing what you're doing there, and I'll see you real soon. All right. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks for listening to the Mandela podcast to learn more about Mandela Counseling and Health Coaching. Go to www dot Mandela hyphen counseling.com. That's www dot Mandela, ma n d a l a hyphen, counseling COUNSC l i n g.com or call 239-360-1983 or visit us on Facebook or Instagram\",\"loading\":false,\"left\":\"0%\",\"top\":\"0%\",\"width\":\"100%\",\"height\":\"100%\",\"rotation\":\"0\",\"editedAspectRatio\":\"1.7777777777777777\",\"filter\":\"NONE\",\"href\":\"https://
\",\"caption\":\"Episode 6 \"}}}}","socialSharing":{"twitter":{"enabled":false,"profile":"@ServicesMandala"},"facebook":{"enabled":true}}}};